My state of affairs is.. dismal.
Boy oh boy. Its tumblr, so I can vent and feel relatively faceless whilst doing so, despite knowing many people that follow me here. If its something they choose to ignore, I can’t blame them and would in fact encourage them to.
Things as is are shit to suck. I lost my job saturday. I dont think its sunk in, yet. Sure I’m on ‘reserve’, but that just means they can call me and offer me to cover a shift for someone every once in a while. So nothing regular. I have applied to- now am counting- 84 different places. Indeed, craigslist, monster, the whole nine. Anything. Warehouse, clerical, and design mostly. My job ‘let me go’ because my anxiety was too much and they needed someone to be a little more cool headed. That basically means that pretty much any high volume job (in people) is lost on me. That adds to the huge pile of jobs-I-can’t-get of food service, as I am allergic to many things. I can do cashier work, but I only have had four months, essentially, of experience.
I had been trying to leave my job for quite a while, but I wasn’t going to do it until I had another job. Well, my boss made my descision for me much sooner than I expected. I’m at a loss. I had to ask my friggin dad for money for bills this month. At least this gives me a month to get another job instead of a week, but still. My stress is at an all time high. Again. After the kinda summer I had, it was too much to ask for a relatively non-school-related stress free year. I have to cover 20K worth of money in a loan I most likely won’t ever be able to pay by november. I have infringed on the kindness of so many that at this point, breathing next to someone who calls me a friend feels like I’m mooching off of them.
My therapist, to put it frankly, is scared shitless. After I told her my parents are getting to the point of/are divorcing, on top of them losing the house I grew up in basically solidified the fact that if I fucked up, I would have no where to go. Well, its not really true as my boyfriend has pleaded and demanded that I was to live with him if shit went sour. However, that would be essentially the nuclear bomb that would destroy our relationship, so adding to the fear of failing would be losing my education, my friends, what little luxuries I have, my family AND my boyfriend. Amazing!
Its been a feat of strength to not down that bottle of fireball I have and mix it with a cocktail of whatever medication I have- which sadly is just ibeprofen and b12. I say that sort of tongue in cheek, as I know my death will bring an unholy amount of pain to my beloved and I can’t do that.
I can’t cry anymore because of how tired I am. I want to stay asleep for hours. I don’t want to eat, or go to school. I just want to sleep, and maybe not wake up. Despite that being mellowdramatic as hell, Im just not doing good and literally everyone I know is worried about me in some form (if they interact with me enough in person they’ll notice somethings off, as much as I don’t want them to notice)
I just desperately want a job. I’ll work all day tuesdays, thursdays, fridays and saturdays for it. I don’t care if its base minimum wage. I don’t care. I just need a job and I can’t do this anymore without one. A real fucking regular income that I can live on. Like 150+ a week. Maybe I can start saving! Maybe I can actually pay off some debts I owe! Maybe I can start paying back my loving boyfriend for helping me countless times this summer! Maybe, just fucking maybe, I can afford to buy bras that fit, underwear that isn’t falling apart, and clothes that I Don’t want to cry in! Maybe I can buy furniture instead of having all of my stuff on the floor! Maybe, just maybe, my cat can have actual real toys instead of a cardboard box!
I’m so angry and disheveled and tired. I’m tired of lying to people and saying that I’m okay. I’m tired of being an emotional burden on my friends because I tug around a black cloud on a leash around my throat.
I wouldn’t be friends with me.